Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022): It isn’t Worth Your Time

The horror community will always get a little giddy when there is a new installment in the legendary franchises. It’s inevitable, even if we know that the sequels, reboots and requels won’t satisfy as much as the original. We watch them anyways. That’s how everyone felt with the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre. However, once it was announced that Netflix was the studio and the trailer dropped, the hype died almost immediately.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022) - IMDb

It was for good reason. I sacrificed one of my Saturday nights watching this film to see if it was as bad as everyone says. The only reason I say that it was terrible is because there were some fun spots in the flicker of the flames of this dumpster fire. Texas Chainsaw Massacre plays as a comedy and spoof sometimes, and it is undercut by the times that the film tries to be serious. The last half of it? It plays like a Halloween (2018) rip off.

The New Group: Might be more annoying than franklin

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre | release date, cast, plot for Netflix film |  Radio Times

The film starts out fairly similarly. A group of twenty somethings traveling to the middle-of-nowhere Texas for some kind of sanctuary. This film takes sanctuary a little too far. They’re practically turning a ghost town into a commune. It gives me a little bit of the creepy cult vibe, but honestly, revamping a ghost town into something thriving sounds pretty neat. However, I would not want to be neighbors with any of these pretentious hipsters. I say that as a Portland local, so you have to know I mean that.

They make several stupid decisions and are really not supportive of one another. An example of a stupid decision being not having any papers on you when claiming the town, causing in the death that starts the whole thing off. Another example was sending the main guy’s girlfriend with the ambulance. The ambulance got there within plenty of time, I feel as if they should’ve just hoped for the best and called. Of course, that wouldn’t be the catalyst of events anymore, but the film honestly takes no time to get things rolling. Especially since it is paying homage to the original, which is a bit of a slow burn in the beginning.

The indestructible, traumatized sisters

Never have I ever seen someone get a sledgehammer to the gut from the top of the stairs that drives them through the floor, only to have them crawling for their lives three seconds later. The older sister, Melody is borderline indestructible. She takes so many hits and slashes, but still makes it through to the final act and beyond. I get that horror can go beyond reality, but this was borderline ridiculous. In turn to making Leatherface invincible, maybe making another character seemingly invincible will lead to a lot of fluff to the film. Just maybe.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2022 Cast and Character Guide

On top of that, we have poor Lila. She is severely traumatized by a school shooting, which puts some pretty heavy commentary into the film and never really goes into it afterwards. The film then proceeds to force this traumatized girl to defend herself with multiple guns and hear multiple gunshots, just to add to the horror and terror of it all. I understand final girls have to go through it, but part of it is getting the upper hand creatively. That happens eventually, but after the heavy use of guns, it seems as if her using a gun was the true cure to her trauma. That’s not really a sympathetic approach to survivors of school shootings.

Pro Gun Control or Anti Gun control? Does it really matter?

The Most Shocking Moments in Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Netflix Tudum

To follow up on the Lila’s storyline, the film really makes fun of the younger characters being against having guns. I get we’re in Texas and the writers might consider this detail ironic, but it ultimately didn’t deliver. I think it was supposed to be somewhat of a tongue-in-cheek reference to the current political climate and the gun control debate. However, it doesn’t establish what side it leans on to be actually funny. It just came up as confusing and abrasive to insert it within the story without a smooth transition.

Honestly, I am really for social commentary in horror. There usually always is some kind of metaphor and moral hidden between the brutality. However, I really saw this as an unnecessary situation to bring up. Especially since it turned into something so insensitive to the school shooting victim in the film and a ‘gotcha’ moment when the people were not a fan of guns had to use the guns. Of course, they did; they are up against a seemingly supernaturally invincible murderer with a chainsaw. Distance works in your favor for that situation. With the already poorly written dialogue, this kind of serious topic was never going to be a subtle, witty insert.

Sally Hardesty isn’t laurie strode

The last thing about Texas Chainsaw Massacre was its final act and the writing of Sally Hardesty. After the bus scene, that I dare say was the best part of the film. It’s ridiculously brutal, bloody and violent–which actually made me laugh at the insanity of it. After that bloodbath and wiping out the entirety of the extra people in the town, the final act kicks in, with its weakest part not being the new characters but rather the original final girl. I don’t think the writers realized that Sally Hardesty will never make the same impact as Laurie Strode. Therefore, they shouldn’t have used her character like this without beefing up her character.

Sally is a hardened, traumatized woman who decided to go build an arsenal to showdown Michael Myers once they met again–sorry, I mean Leatherface. It’s literally the same format they went with in 2018’s Halloween. However, despite Sally being a trailblazer for the final girl, she simply doesn’t hold a candle to Laurie. Also, she makes some really stupid decisions that result in way more harm to herself and others than Leatherface. The woman doesn’t even make a dent in him and utters the worst line ever: “Don’t run, or he’ll haunt you forever.” Okay, whatever you say.

I think the icing on the cake was her asking Leatherface to say her and her group’s name while holding up a polaroid to him. Did she not listen in the first film? Leatherface is very much implied to be nonverbal due to disability. Also, he didn’t wait to learn their names, he just murdered them immediately upon arrival to that house. I feel like they were trying to show that they were putting a lot of thought and effort to tie it to the 1974 film. However, those of us who know the film are disappointed that seemingly ignored the events of the first film.

Final thoughts on Texas Chainsaw Massacre

I went into this film knowing it was going to be bad. I was ultimately hoping for a situation in which it was so bad, it was funny. Instead, I watched a half-baked horror film that had some really solid sequences that were just covered with poorly written, non-loyal to the original filler. Also, the Tesla autopilot ending was terrible. Hilariously terrible. Therefore, I don’t really think it’s worth the watch. What did you think of it? Were you a fan of this one or do you agree that Netflix should probably lay their efforts to rest? Let me know in the comments.

I’m not anti-Sally Hardesty either. You can read more on the evolution of the final girl and the role she plays in forming the trope here.

If this is your first time reading The Void of Celluloid, welcome. I am happy to have you here and encourage you to follow me on Twitter @OfCelluloid, Facebook under the page The Void of Celluloid or Instagram @TheVoidofCelluloid to stay updated on what’s next. Thanks for jumping into this void with me, you lovely spelunker you.

31 Days of Horror: Week Two

The 31 Days of Horror continue with Week Two! I’m excited to pair up these next seven movies with some yummy food, tasty drinks and delectable double features. Below is the entire calendar if you want a sneak peak for the next few weeks of Spooky Season! If you missed week one, you can find it here.

Anyways, let’s kick off Week Two with one of the greatest films of all time, in my opinion.

October 8th: The Haunting

The Haunting (1963) - IMDb
31 Days of Horror: Week Two

No, not the terrible remake with Owen Wilson. I’m talking the original from 1963. Based of the Shirley Jackson novel The Haunting of Hill House, Dr. John Markway assembles a team of people to confirm whether Hill House is haunted or not, due to its history of its inhabitants meeting strange, gruesome ends. It is a very spooky ghost masterpiece. It also includes amazing queer subtext between the two main women Eleanor (Nell) and Theodora. The Mike Flanagan limited series The Haunting of Hill House is also an amazing rendition. However, it is not so much an adaptation as this one is. This film’s legacy lives on and is an iconic staple to the whole horror timeline.

All the spooky haunts of this film wanted you all to have a literal taste. Therefore the cocktail for this movie is a Liquid Ghost. For the kiddos (as this film is on the tamer side) or those who choose not to drink, a white chocolate hot chocolate is an alternative, as this movie feels cold at times. Warm soup is a good pairing for this, however I am aiming for little bites, so these French Onion Bites will do. As for a double feature for this film, my suggestion is the film that The Mother of the Void just reviewed: Cat People, as it is another classic horror film dripping with subtext.

October 9th: The Strangers

31 Days of Horror: Week Two

The films (other than Hush) have been rather tame thus far. Therefore, let’s crank it up. This is a slasher film where the assailants truly have no motive. Therefore it is a malicious, terrifying film that has you on the edge of your seat through its entire run time. It’s bloody, it’s creepy, it’s a slasher through and through. That’s about all that I can say, as this film is purely action from the get-go.

Because of the violence in this film, I found a fun cocktail from Sugar and Soul called Blood and Guts, which is a variation of a Jell-O shot meets classic cocktail. If you’re not a fan of that texture, emulate that same red color with some classic Shirley Temples (according to 50+ 5-star ratings, this is the best Shirley Temple). As for a double feature, if you can stomach some more violence, skip the sub-par sequel. Go check out Maniac, a 1980’s exploitation-slasher that pushed the boundaries so movies like The Strangers could be released. If we’re looking for more “lighthearted” after all that brutality, Halloween: H20 is a good alternative. A classic slasher still, but a bit lighter than Maniac.

Food for this movie is something I imagine the couple stress-ate at the wedding/proposal gone wrong before these grisly events, and the first thing that popped into my head was Caprese Skewers. Delicious, but I have only really had them at special events, so let’s make this night a special event of slashing. Finish it off with some Jordan almonds if you’re really want the wedding vibes to overtake the horror.

October 10th: Southbound

31 Days of Horror: Week Two

If you’ve been following the blog thus far, you know that this film has come up a few times. I honestly have watched this film once. Yet, it has stuck in my head for the past five years. An anthology film by the same creators behind the V/H/S series and Ready or Not, Southbound deals with the unholiest of topics, being another film that pushes against my tolerance for depravity. Mind you, it’s not as depraved as torture porn films, however, if you are uncomfortable with Satanic symbolism, this one will get to you. I personally am not, I was more horrified by the car accident/hospital scene that is on the gorier side. Anyways, this anthology twists and turns into itself, with a lot of stories overlapping to create one big ol’ hellfest.

What is more devilish than Deviled Eggs and a Red Devil cocktail? Maybe the gas that comes post deviled-egg-consumption, but I digress. For the zero-proof fans, sub the alcohol in this recipe with some grapefruit juice, and it will taste just as citrisy and delicious. As for a double-feature for this one, I suggest the father of anthology horror Creepshow, which without it, we would not have this format. If you want to know more about anthology horror and read up on the other creations by these filmmakers, check out TVOC’s first article: Anthology Horror: Short Stories Unfolded.

October 11th: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) - IMDb

Laying out day by day, I didn’t realize I laid out such a brutal weekend. Oh well, into the deep end we go. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre set the standard of what the modern slasher looks like back in 1974, and you can see a lot of ties back to its style, predominantly in gory horror heads Rob Zombie, Eli Roth and Darren Lynn Bousman. It’s a disgusting film, given its budget and its age, and most of it still holds up. Heed warning if you haven’t watched the original however, Franklin is probably one of the most annoying horror characters I have ever seen, and him alone almost made me give up on the movie the first time I watched it. Lots of tension, lots of screaming and lots of violence–just as every good slasher should be.

Over on my new favorite blog, Geeks Who Eat, they have put together an amazing pairing specifically for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre that is exactly what I envision consuming during Texas Chainsaw. Therefore, I had to feature them. You can check out their pairing here: The Snack is Family: A Texas Chainsaw Massacre Inspired Pairing (2geekswhoeat.com). For an alternative to bloody mary-style drinks, I found another drink that is sure to get you as messed up in the head as The Family: The Bloody Chainsaw. For the zero-proof peeps, here’s a guide from Texas itself on How to Brew Sweet Tea. The double feature for this one that comes to mind is The Midnight Meat Train, because similar weapons are used in this Clive Barker adaptation–oh yeah, and more brutality. It’s quite a way to start your week.

October 12th: Night of the Living Dead

Zombie Apocalypse Now: 'Night of the Living Dead' at 50 - Rolling Stone

What is known as the first zombie flick is the choice for this cool, sleepy Tuesday night. Night of the Living Dead is both a cult classic as well as a revolutionary film, as it features the first black protagonist in a horror movie, played expertly by Duane Jones. The quote “They’re coming to get you Barbara!” comes from this film, but its incredibly controversial and powerful ending is probably the most memorable upon viewing.. A teaser for what’s coming next on The Void of Celluloid: this film will be the first featured on the podcast coming soon… Anyways, I feel as if this film has not been seen enough, despite it being the film that started one of the most dominating genres in horror films. Therefore, it demands a spot on the calendar.

Of course the cocktail I would choose is titled the Zombie, which can be easily made into a virgin Zombie minus all the liquor and increasing the pineapple and grapefruit juice to make it at least 12 ounces. And to really amp up the zombie vibes, take your movie snack ideas and turn it into breakfast with Bloody Gut Cinnamon Rolls. Since I can’t get enough of Duane Jones, the double feature will be Ganja and Hess, a experimental horror film that deals with cursed objects and vampires. It’s a fun film with a lot of metaphors. So much so in fact, experimental rap group Clipping. formulated a whole album around it called “There Existed an Addiction to Blood”. You can check that out on Spotify (and I encourage you do).

October 13th: Tucker and Dale VS. Evil

Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2010) - IMDb

There is no way that this has flown off your radar if you already know about this bash of a film. Easily one if not my favorite horror comedy, Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil take the evil-hillbilly trope and flip it on its head for some good, gory laughs. Not to mention the amazing acting coming from Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine, Tucker and Dale will stick in your head as some of the most loveable characters of the horror universe.

You have to drink a PBR with this film. You just have to. If you’re not into PBR, Montucky Cold Snack is a good alternative for alcohol, and brew up a hot cocoa if you’re not into the whole beer thing at all. Make sure you toast to the two doofs every time you crack a new one open. As far as food, have some breakfast for dinner with these Pumpkin Pancakes. Make sure to serve them with a side of bacon or have scrambled eggs as an alternative just in case anyone is afraid of/doesn’t like pancakes. The double feature is very obviously Shaun of the Dead, as we like to keep the buddy vs. evil comedy trope going and I frequent these two together almost every year.

October 14th: Alien

Ah, the grandest of the sci-fi horror, Alien takes the cake of a slow burn horror film going batshit and having you squirming in your seat, even on repeat viewings. Follow a crew out in space as they going searching the terrain assigned to them by homebase. When a foreign creature attaches itself to a face of an unsuspecting John Hurt, paranoia, dread and doubt fill the crew as the alien thing takes on its rapidly evolving form. Honestly, the set and costume design alone would carry this film, but with brilliant performances, especially from Sigourney Weaver as the badass Ripley, this film is a staple and should be in yearly rotation if you appreciate good cinema.

When I think of Alien, I think of its cover art and that neon green color, so therefore the cocktail that came to mind was the Midori Sour. A fun zero proof alternative to a Midori Sour is melon flavored Ramune soda.. Because I can’t help but think of sweet lil’ Jonesy, add these Cat Pizzas to the menu for a little bit of fun in this fairly grim story. And of course, the double feature (while it isn’t remotely horror) is Aliens, as you can’t pass up a double feature of these two films when you get a chance to do so. Plus, Aliens features even bigger features of the Xenomorphs, which are scary just by themselves, so cut me some slack this one time. It’s an action packed ending to a week kind of full of brutality (sorry, not sorry?).

Conclusion and What’s Up Next Week

So there we have it, that wraps up my suggestions for week two of 31 Days of Horror. I hope you guys are enjoying the series thus far, as we have two more installments this month and I plan on doing broader installments of random collections throughout the year, as I enjoy making them. As I mentioned before, there is a podcast in the works. It will be called Dripping with Relevance and there will be more details out soon as the first season becomes more flushed out and production begins.

Meanwhile, next week, The Mother of the Void returns on Wednesday with the classic French horror film Eyes Without a Face (Les Yeux Sans Visage), and I’m glad she’s having fun with it, even when two whole pages of her summary disappears into the laptop void. Next Friday will be the third installment of 31 Days of Horror, which will be the last one leading up to the Final Ten Days of Halloween. So stay strapped in and keep spelunking, as we have so much more in store.